When An 'Amicable' Divorce is Anything But

I talk a lot about amicable divorce. It matters hugely to me, both personally and professionally, because I know the difference it can make.

The fact that trends are changing, with more couples seeking this approach than ever before, is heartening. Legislative reform, shifting social norms, and collaborative law approaches reinforce the idea that respectful and positive endings are possible. And for the first time, a YouGov 2023 survey shows that over half of people no longer describe their divorce as hostile.

But there’s a problem that must be addressed.

Because when any idea becomes mainstream and widely embraced, it naturally carries more power – and with that comes risk. 

What starts as a hopeful, healing concept can be twisted or manipulated by those who seek to control. Popularity makes it easier for language or values to be weaponised.

And so in the therapy room, I occasionally hear something else happening beneath the surface when a couple tell me they want an amicable separation. Sometimes, what’s being called “amicable” is actually about one partner avoiding discomfort, protecting image, or staying in control.

Here are some of the ways I see this play out:

🚩 As a way to silence legitimate feelings or needs

One person says, “I thought we were keeping this amicable,” when the other expresses hurt, frustration, or concern. It shuts the conversation down, rather than creating a space to talk openly.

🚩 As cover for coercion or imbalance of power

One person feels they can’t ask questions or push back - especially around finances or parenting - because they’ll be labelled as unreasonable, rather than seen as advocating for fairness.

🚩 To control the narrative

One person presents the separation as calm and collaborative, while privately stonewalling or undermining the other. The other is left feeling silenced, afraid that if they speak up, they’ll be blamed for disrupting the peace.

🚩 To avoid accountability

When someone has caused harm - through dishonesty, betrayal, or emotional withdrawal - they may suggest it’s time to “move on” in the name of keeping things amicable. It can be a way to avoid repair, and bypass the hard conversations that still need to happen.

🚩 To guilt the other into compliance

One might say, “Let’s just keep it amicable — for the kids.” But while it sounds thoughtful, it can be used to make someone feel selfish or difficult for asserting a boundary, asking for more time, or saying no.

🤝 What ‘amicable’ really means is this:

Mutual respect, even when you don’t agree.

Space for honest conversations, not just the easy ones.

A willingness to reduce harm, not avoid conflict at all costs.

The freedom to have a voice, even when that voice is uncomfortable to hear.

We know amicable divorce works, but it isn't born from wishful thinking alone; it needs guidance and support from the right people to prevent it becoming a mask for something else.